The Scientist

My dad and I have had an estranged relationship. We never had that father-daughter bond that every girl has with her dad. A lot has happened over the years, too much to tell. The story is too complicated. Besides, I doubt you would understand. I guess I always hoped we would become closer, I guess I thought we’d have more time. The last 3 years before he passed away we got to spend some more time together, getting to know each other. It was just 3 years. And I am 23. I have a lot of bottled up emotions and issues with my dad that I need to deal with but still haven’t. The only pictures of the two of us together are the ones from my wedding, which was in April this year. This was my wedding song… when I listened to it the other day it showed me a whole new meaning. I never quite knew why I chose this song for me and Emjay to walk in to. It’s sad and not really a love song. Now it all makes sense…

In bold are the lyrics, in brackets are my personal interpretations..

Coldplay – The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry
(I never really got a chance to say goodbye, apologising for not always being around, apologising for us never having a real relationship, apologising because I need you here dad)
You don’t know how lovely you are
(brings back flashbacks of Eid mornings when you tell me how pretty I look)

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I’ve set you apart (I need you alive because I need to tell you the things I never did when you were here, I have to find you, but its too late to let you know. You will never know how much I looked up to you)

Tell me your secrets
(there are things I never knew about you, and you about me, we never shared secrets)
And ask me your questions (we hardly spoke. We should’ve had more conversations, I need you here.)
Oh, let’s go back to the start (back to the start to when I was born, so we can start over and have 23 full years of a proper father-daughter relationship. I wish I could go back)

Running in circles (I keep going over that last week, every detail, trying to find memories of me and you that I’d want to keep.)
Chasing tails
Heads on the science apart ( I keep going over every detail of your death certificate, asking myself what if?”

Nobody said it was easy (damn right its not easy. Do I even need to tell you what I feel when I read these words?”
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start (same here)

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart (here I am going through the details of that day you passed away at the hospital, your death certificate makes no sense, it looks like it was a mistake (even though I should believe that your time was planned and I should accept it – it’s hard)

Questions of science
Science and progress (did they really give you the wrong medication at the hospital, that it turned septic in your bloodstream? Is that what burst your ulcer and caused you to haemorrhage? Nobody will tell me the truth not even mum, they think I cant handle it. I just need to know what really happened. )
Do not speak as loud as my heart (I am angry, sad, overwhelmed, lost and confused. Time doesn’t make me understand the situation better, it just makes me forget.)

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me (Every night I lay awake, hoping you would come to me and tell me that you know I love you dad, that everything is okay and you are happy where you are)
Oh and I rush to the start (to the start to where I was born, so we could start over)

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start